The nuisance for Influence

We often tend to be too excited about certain things in life and then when the event occurs, all of a sudden all the excitement goes to cold storage, just because of some silly thing. This is what happened recently, on a scorching Friday. Along with a couple of cousins, I went to the ‘Influence Restaurant’ located at the KNK road for a rather quick lunch buffet (we’ll come to the ‘quick’ part in a bit) as there were just 4 days left for the lunch @ 199/- only offer which had been running for more than a month. A few of us (cousins) had been planning to go for the buffet since ever but every now and then the plans got cancelled due to some reason or the other. In fact, once I went to Influence with a group of friends (instead of cousins, as plans with cousins kept getting cancelled) for the same lunch buffet, but as it had to turn out, one of my cousin had predicted (wished) a bad time there for me (as I wasn’t taking her along), and so it happened, we went there (the group of friends) and figured out that there was no power and the place was as hot as an oven would be after baking for some time. So we chose to leave the place and I got back home, all disappointed and sad that, the offer will get over and I will miss out on an Influence Buffet.

So on this scorching Friday, I and a couple of cousins had finally made reservations to go for the Influence Buffet and so we did. While reserving the table, the manager mentioned ‘Sir, we won’t have power from 1-2pm, it’s the daily power cut time. Would you like to come before or after that time? We are open for buffet from 12-3.30pm’, and so since we had some other work past 2, we decided to go for an early lunch that day and decided to be there by 12.15 or so, so that we still will get 45 solid minutes for the food rampage. But as it had to be, we reached at 12.30 and every minute mattered, we thought we should rather eat fast and leave this place before the power cut, or we will be fried in the heat(they dint seem to have a generator or an inverter). But we started off trying not to hurry up too much, so that we dint spoil the experience, but still eyes were always looking at the clock after every single bite of the delicious but cold starters. The food and the service were overall good, except for the starters which got cold even though the air conditioners were switched on, only after we entered the restaurant.

The thing which really ruined my mood throughout the lunch though was not the fact that the starters were cold ( I dint care as much for that as they still tasted nice), nor the fact that we had to eat fast ( it wasn’t really the case, 45 minutes is sufficient time to eat, when you are not talking as much, we cousins were sure why we were there ;) ), but I got irritated and felt stupid for having been behind this lunch plan for close to a month, because as we were munching on our food, my eyes kept looking at the entry door of the restaurant, as not even a single other customer had walked into the restaurant except for us and that made me feel miserable. How was I supposed to be happy and excited when I realized that, I was the only one behind this lunch buffet, no one else cared about it, to turn up to the restaurant for close to one hour we spent there and to make things worse the waiter mentioned that this is not a limited period offer, the lunch buffet usually costs only this much!

I was so thrilled about this whole 199/- buffet as I was told that the buffet at influence is generally priced at 500/-, so I thought its better to grab the opportunity while it is available now. But after I walked out of the restaurant, I realized that while having the buffet my mind was thinking, ‘what a waste of money, no one around in the restaurant’, and then I comforted myself by the fact that the food was good and it was well worth paying 199/-, but still the fact that I had lunch at a place where no one seemed to have bothered to turn up while I had made advance reservations, made me feel the whole exercise was trivial. That’s how I guess we human beings are, we need to show off, to see people, to be seen by people and what not!

Today’s Favorite Line – "Do what you can, with what you have, where you are." - Theodore Roosevelt

Today’s Favorite Song – Bhaag DK Bose (Delhi Belly)

10 reasons why Kasab shouldn’t be hanged

Recently a top security agency (Indo-Tibetan Border Police (ITBP)) of the country sent a 11 Crore bill to the Maharashtra Government for the security they have provided to the state of Maharashtra and the city of Mumbai in particular as it serves as a domicile for the only caught & kept alive terrorist of the 26/11 attacks. There have been wide ranging debates in the country with regard to the amount of the bill sent by the agency and more importantly on the fact that Ajmal Kasab who inhumanely murdered dozens of civilians and cops, most of which was captured live on CCTV camera’s but still Ajmal Kasab lives a life of dignity and safety right in the heart of the financial capital of the country. Why is Kasab not hanged yet, has been the question doing rounds across social networking sites?

Upon asking this question to fellow social networkers, the tone seemed to change from anger and frustration to hopelessness, pity and mercy and that’s how the following 10 reasons for ‘why kasab shouldn’t be hanged’ have been arrived at.

1. Helps in creating employment – A lot of people felt that, we should all be thankful to Kasab that, in the process of providing security to him, our country is able to generate a lot of employment for its youth (the ones who couldn’t make it even to the IT/BPO industry finally can try their luck here). While countries like the US where unemployment rates have been increasing gradually year over year, and bringing which under control was a huge challenge. US understood this phenomenon long back and started encouraging its youth to join the country’s defense forces and in turn posted them at far off nations in the name of ‘war on terror’ and smartly tackled the unemployment problem to an extent, India seems to be replicating that model to an extent, thanks to Kasab.

2. Pakistani version of Veer Zaara in the making – Ajmal Kasab seems to be the Pakistani version of Shahrukh Khan of Veer Zaara, just like how Shahrukh khan languished in the Pakistani prison in the movie Veer Zaara, Kasab has been used by the Pakistani film industry to play the role of Shahrukh khan in the Pakistani remake. The film is being produced by the ISI and Pakistan government together and India can’t afford to cause a revenue loss to its neighbor Pakistan by hanging kasab, it will lead to huge revenue loss for the Pakistani government. The role of Preity Zinta is being played by the now infamous Veena Malik of the Big Boss fame. Big Boss was just an instrument to get into India officially, but she actually got into Big Boss to be able to complete the shoot for the Pakistani version of Veer Zaara while she was in India

3. Prison Break India – Indian television industry is known to copy the formats of television shows from across the world and present it as an Indian show just like it did with the Indian Idol, X Factor, KBC and many others. This time a very big banner has plans to make Prison Break India, while the setting for the show is perfect as Kasab is locked up and is most likely to get ‘death’ unless either some miracle happens or Prathibha Patil happens to go to her office (only then she would be able to sanction the mercy plea no?). Casting for the Wentworth Miller part is on, since Pakistan has disowned kasab, producers are in discussions with Sunny Deol for the role, so that he can either break out Kasab or get “taarikh pe taarikh” to save kasab. Indian television scene will change forever if this version of Prison Break India hits homes especially with Kasab & Sunny in lead.

4. Finally something for PPP to look forward to – PPP has been one of the low key people in the country despite the fact that PPP could have been the most active and talked about person in the country just like her predecessor. Now since that hasn’t happened through any other diplomatic way, the only way to get PPP have something on her table and to make her to go to office and still make the country sure of her presence and significance, we don’t have any choice but to send the mercy plea of Kasab to her office, as, if the Supreme court orders a death sentence, only President Pratibha Patil(PPP) has a say over and above that. So the only way we have left with us to remind PPP of her position and power, Kasab’s mercy plea has to be delivered to her table.

5. Jail Brands - The Tihar has now become the most high profile prison in the country, as a result of that the Arthur road prison where Kasab has been lodged, has lost its brand value, the only way to still keep it in the top 10, is by keeping Kasab there till we are able to get a high profile prisoner in there. If kasab is hanged, then the Arthur road prison might lose out on the only high profile international celebrity it is host to and its rankings might plummet to an all time low, therefore the only way forward to make sure of a good ranking, is to keep kasab alive and at Arthur Road. So much for ranking. Phew!! (I guess that’s a fairly simple thing, we see IIPM on newspapers everyday!)

6. Savings on Motivational training costs – For the hundreds of prisoners lodged in Arthur road and other prisons of the country, the jail authorities must be conducting a lot of motivational and other behavioral trainings, costing them a fortune. If kasab is kept alive, that itself will be a huge motivation and inspiration for most of the prisoners. Their faith in the Indian judiciary system will also increase. Just by keeping Kasab alive and kicking (Indian judiciaries ass), he will be able to send clear signals to the rest of the prison community that, ‘no matter what you do, you wont get punished, death is out of question, I am in fact being served delicious food, nice clothes and a personal room to myself’, such words of his itself work wonders for the rest of the prison community when they realize that nothing could go wrong for them as nothing went wrong even for such a dreaded terrorist like kasab and the prison authorities directly save a lot of costs on motivational training programs it would otherwise have to conduct.

7. Indian Judiciary’s reputation – Lets say the Indian courts end up giving a verdict on Kasab in the life time of a child born on the ‘26/11 attack day’, then that would act as a major remark on the reputation of the Indian judiciary which is very well known and proud over its, in a century per verdict rate of giving verdicts record. While, only close to a few million cases are pending, a quick verdict for a case of such kind in nature will act as a major black spot on the already black dress and the blind fold of the judiciary. We cannot afford to affect the judiciary’s reputation for the sake of one stupid boy gone out of his mind in a young age case.

8. Best Seller ‘The Kasab Story’ – If Kasab gets to remain in the prison for a few more decades(years), there is a high chance he might decide to pen down his own story which would obviously become a best seller, giving Indians the much anticipated inside story and the gossip. And then we can confer the booker or some other gallantry award to Kasab for his faith in jihad and more importantly for his survival even though there were (are) all the evidences to prove him guilty and hang him immediately. We can’t afford to miss a best seller book and a deserving gallantry award winner. There cannot be anyone who is braver than Kasab currently on the Indian soil! Killing herds of people, getting caught red handed and still living a life of pride, and making the judiciary dance around his statements as and when he likes.

9. India’s ‘humanitarian values’ pride - It gives India an edge over the US in matters of war on terror, India can claim itself as being more considerate in its war on terror approach as it has captured Kasab alive and kept him alive while US couldn't capture Osama alive and had also hanged Saddam unceremoniously. For India to remain at the top in the humanitarian countries list, India has no other choice but to be considerate of kasab, his young age and ignorance, so that it can at least top one of the world lists (India is not top in the corruption list also, its 87^th – surprising!).

10. Dialogue with Pakistan – Now that we have Kasab in an Indian prison, we still are engaging with Pakistan, talking, pissing each other off, snubbing, accusing each other and many other such acts once in a while. If Kasab is hanged, then Pakistan will have nothing to disown and then own in India (except for Kashmir & may be Adnan Sami), so to keep the dialogue with Pakistan on, at various love - hate levels, India needs to keep Kasab alive and talking!

I hope the above 10 reasons are worthy enough for us to be convinced to keep Kasab away from the hanging area, but if you think you aren’t still convinced then take a bonus 11^th reason and that will satisfy your appetite I hope.

11. Hangman Mamu Sigh died on 20^th May 2011 – The only hangman in the country who mustered the courage to come forward and declare that he was ready to hang Kasab any time if the verdict was out, without any remorse or fear, died recently without fulfilling his last living wish. Now that the only hangman who was daring enough to do this is no more, how are we going to hang kasab? Do you think any other qualified hang person in the country has the courage to go ahead and pursue this act? So, now even if the verdict for kasab is death, there is no way we can do it, sigh! Live Kasab Live!

P.S. - The above piece is not in any way trying to validate why Kasab shouldn’t be hanged, but it attempts to bring forward the absurdities around us and how they can be linked to kasab, to still make these silly things, reason enough to let kasab free from death, using simple satire. Sarcasm being a potent tool in this piece, I hope you could feel how an average Indian badly wants kasab to be prosecuted. There is no intent to hurt any individual or community, this is just a satire based look at the world around us. The author has utmost respect for all those individuals or communities mentioned above, of course except for Kasab. The author respects the Honorable Judicial system of India and has utmost faith in the law of the land.

Today’s Favorite Line – "If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves." - Thomas Edison

Today’s Favorite Song – Ishq na karioy kake (Pyar ka panchnama)

The Tihar Times

Special Correspondent                                                                                        Thursday, 05-05-2011

(The content in italics is author’s work, while the rest are parts of different news articles)

Tihar jail complex, a correctional facility at the Tihar village in Delhi, is South Asia's largest prison, with more than 12,000 inmates. An unprecedented number of well-known persons are currently lodged in Tihar, pending trial and forced into a uniformly spartan lifestyle the jail offers its wards.

The list includes former telecom minister A Raja, his right-hand man R K Chandolia, Commonwealth Games chief organizer Suresh Kalmadi, his close associates Lalit Bhanot and V. K.Verma, mega-rich entrepreneurs such as DB Realty's Shahid Balwa and Vinod Goenka, Unitech's Sanjay Chandra, and Reliance Telecom's Gautam Doshi, Surendar Pippara, Hari Nair and several other prominent people.

Lalit Bhanot and V K Verma, both accused in the CWG scams, are seen chatting with R. K. Chandolia quite often but after five more accused in the 2G scam arrived in the jail later, it has become one big group and they all are seen talking to each other in the premises of Ward Number 4 of Jail Number 3 (as Jail Number 2 which has sections from A to G is full with the 2G loot money), the sources added. "Apart from talking to each other, we have not seen them talking to any other prisoner. The new under trials have not made any demands as of now, except for cash counting machines and duplicate note detector “said a jail source.” They all are following the jail schedule. They wake up at 6am, have their breakfast, read newspapers and then chat with each other while counting as much cash as they can per day without talking about the ratio of their shares(they shall settle that outside the courts, to avoid dumping too many cases on the already super fast Indian courts).

Sources say that Mr. Raja, has been the least demanding of prisoners as he’s been busy calculating and figuring out how much money has been stashed with whom  and where. “Inside the jail, no one is a VIP. High-profile prisoners are not given any extra facilities unless ordered by the court (which of course fears Ram Jethmalani, especially after what he did to Karan Thappar),”

There were no juices and nutritional breakfast for five corporate executives and they are having paranthas(with extra cheese of course) in the jail's canteen for breakfast and mess food during lunch and dinner, which comprises daal(makhani with special lasan da tadka), roti(either tandoori or rumali depending on mood), sabzi(navratan kurma and varieties of panner with a portion of malai kofta generally)  and rice(Hyderabadi biryani specially parceled from Hyderabad arrives every day in Raja’s new charter). They have each been lodged in separate 10x15 feet self-contained cells (with toilet and bathroom, of course centrally air conditioned with a high definition LED TV with a Tata Sky connection, ‘isko laga dala toh life jinga lala’) in Jail Number 3. The security of their cells is also higher than for the other prisoners as they are expected to have carried huge sums of cash with them, which they probably did not find time to count earlier.

Now let’s take a look at each of the high profile inmate’s life at Tihar.

Suresh Kalmadi – Mr.Kalmadi being the latest entrant to Tihar has been found observing the Tihar jail very carefully since he has walked in and sources have seen him talking to the long time residents of Tihar. Upon questioning people whom Kalmadi had a tete a tete with, sources found that he was planning on converting Tihar to another games village, so that the Tihar Jail could host the first ever ‘Tihar Sharewealth Games’ (TSG), All the inmates are assured a chance to participate in the games as all participants are expected to get a cash prize of 1 Crore on registration for the event. Upon being asked about the funding for the same, Kalmadi seemed to be quite in control of things indicating a sponsorship deal with the corporate big wigs including DB Realty's Shahid Balwa and Vinod Goenka, Unitech's Sanjay Chandra, and Reliance Telecom's Gautam Doshi being the event sponsors while A.Raja assured to be the Title Sponsor for the mega event.

Lalit Bhanot – On the other hand Mr.Lalit Bhanot the former Secretary General of CWG Delhi 2010 was allotted a dirt-caked cell, a mattress stained with dog paw prints and a sink smeared with the spittle of chewing tobacco. Lalit still seemed to be quite happy with what he got as he thought it was still really a high standard thing in India and he felt privileged to get such nice accommodation especially after his comment on Indian hygiene in September 2010.

A.Raja - A.Raja was seen complaining to the Tihar inmates (some of whom were Dalits) that he was targeted because he was a Dalit and ensured this way that he had some support for him inside this new 2G haven he secured for himself after years of planning and hard work. Some of the inmates seemed to be really happy as they were able to meet one of India’s richest men (quickest) which otherwise would never have been possible. When a close inmate of Raja, pointed to him that, his aide Sadiq Batcha in his note wrote that he blamed nobody for his death, but that he was embarrassed by "raids and media limelight over the 2G spectrum scam." He also wrote that Mr Raja and his wife "are good people." To which Raja seemed to have whispered, “How could I have asked him to write poorly about me, Tell?”

R.K. Chandolia - Former telecom minister A Raja's private secretary RK Chandolia had threatened several Tihar officials to ensure grant of the royal suite of Tihar to Shahid Balwa of   Swan Telecom as he thought it fit to ensure special allocation for his old client as he hadn’t done enough for him for the amount he received from him, so he is still trying to make good for the payment received and convince Balwa that he isn’t a Namak Halal!

As we go for print, a source close to Raja told us that, while the others were a little sad and bored all this while with not much to do at Tihar, A.Raja seemed to be quite excited since a couple of days. Sources close to him confirmed to us that it had to do with Kanimozhi having her trial in the SC. Raja hoped to unite with her again at Tihar, hoping Tihar authorities will provide a separate 2G cell for the couple who have been talked about by the whole nation for quite long.

The source also added that, the first movie Kani and Raja watched together was 7G Rainbow Colony (Hit Tamil Film) and as a result of which they chose the 2G spectrum allocation as an opportunity to  use that as a sign of their togetherness, leading to they taking the 7G worth of share from the allocation and leaving the exchequer poorer. What an idea 2G!!!

© The Tihar Times

Today’s Favorite Line – Poor and Content is Rich and Rich Enough.

Today’s Favorite Song – Tu Salaamat Rahe (Adnan Sami)

It’s complicated and you are over rated!

 The harder I try, the more difficult you seem to me truly,

Oh baby, I am yet to understand you fully.

Trending is what people around you try,

But most of the times you talk high and dry.

I've spent a lot of time with you all this while,

At times you made me smile, at other times it wasn't worth the while.

Your yapping never stops,

As I watch one thing you say, another one pops.

Every now & then I move away, you build up a pile (of chatter),

I am always careful with what (how much) I say to you, as you seem to be fragile.

You seem to attract a lot of people hi – fi,

Otherwise who would never even pass by.

Once I sang for you a jingle, expecting that would make us mingle,

But guess what, you made me feel even more terrible.

When it comes to lying you are not really a quitter,

And to measure your honesty I don't have a meter.

Your sarcasm makes me feel so much better,

But while you are rude, you seem so bitter.

But when you are funny you are far more sweeter,

That's what makes you so complicated my dear TWITTER.

P.S. – These set of lines were just to highlight how a girlfriend and twitter if both looked together seem to have so many similarities in their attitudes and their acts. This piece can be used to explain either of them, no?

Today’s Favorite Line – We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars – Oscar Wilde

Today’s Favorite Song – From this moment (Shania Twain)

The World Cup – IPL Connect

The world cup victory for India has been a great reason for the whole nation to stand up together and cherish the historic moment that came to us after close to 3 decades. All of us alive and kicking can now claim that we now know how it feels to have won a world cup.  Amidst all these happy conversations and celebrations there were a set of, half educated, multi regional friends sitting together a week post the world cup win sipping their cans of Coca Cola (Brrrrrrrrrrrrr…!!) discussing the world cup win and on going IPL -4 and the connection between these two (if at all their could be one). There obviously have been wide ranges of discussions and arguments across the country as to who we won this world cup for? And who has got us to win this world cup? And who deserves the world cup the most in the country? For reasons more than one. This being the back drop of the conversation lets find out what these friends actually got into.

The Jharkhandi – Tum saala log, all shut up a, tum sab bawle ho gaye ke? iph not phor abar Dhoni, do you think abar team boould have played as a team? It ij hiz leadership skhills thate ghot us the borld cup. Donut phorget the captains knock in the phinal.

The Punjab da sher – Oye puttar, chup ho jao oye! If our launda yubraj not playing so well in all the matches, sadi team would have never won! Chak de patthe, nap ke killi, yuvraj ne khela aur le aaya world cup dilli!!!! Burrrraaaaahh!!

The Delhiite – Bakwaas band karo bae, aiyvain kuch bhi speak ae ja rahe ho! If our Sehwag did not give the team great starts and if our gambhir & virat did not take care of the middle order, none of your guys would have mattered. Aakhir toh sabne rashtrapati bhavan hi aana tha na?!

The Bengali – ami kya bolte ae, our Dada was the one who brought the winning spirit in to Indian kirket, and you jhealous people threw him out of the team? Ah! He is the man who still supported the team from the commentary box nay!

The Marathi – Tusa maila, bluddy north Indians salaa, listen up. From Bollywood to Hollywood, from BSE to NYSE, everything big in our country happens either because of or by a maharashtrian, in this case it was done phor Sachin and bhy Sachin. Jai Maharashtra manus!!

The Madrasi – Ennada rascala, our player played so well, he still wasn’t given many chances, you rascallas discriminating with a tammillah for a weird maliyali, we deserved better treatment. In fact this winning squad was chosen by our own tammillah Srikanth only no? he won a world cup himself &  now selected a winning team! Mind it!!

The Maliyali – You see, our sreesanth had paid the coast of being hit bed(read - bad) in the phirst match by not playing in so many maetchess, see he broght luck to the team in the phinal and he bowled well also no? tell no? now what happened? Poor hard warking phello being thargetthed

The Kaanadica – saaru, wait saaru, our dravid and kumble sacrificed their place in the team for the juniors and our mallya spending so much money, he getting deepika every time to watch the match and keep the fellows entertained. Think saaru, thinnnnk!!

The Hyderabadi Nawab – Kya miiyan, kya bolte tume, humara Andhra se koi player world cup mein ich nai khela miiyan, hume kaiko team mein jagaich nahi diye miiyan! We still contributed to the world cup win miiyan, tume aisa nako karo miiyan. Bawa tum world cup humeinich dedo bawa! 

As this conversation went on, each of these friends realized they now had reached a point where they needed to symbolically decide who actually would take home the honors of being called the key to our world cup win. As the arguments given by each of them were interesting, they couldn’t come to a conclusion as to who deserved to hold the world cup for the nation and that’s when these cricket freaks decided that, any how all 15 members of the world cup squad represent one or the other key cities of the country both demographically and in terms of their IPL side. Therefore they decided to dedicate the world cup to the team (city/state) that wins the IPL as each of these world cup winning players play a key role in the sides they play for in the IPL. And that’s the connect, each of the leading contributor to the world cup win is representing or playing a big role in each of the ten IPL teams. Sachin, Sehwag, Gambhir, Dhoni and Yuvraj each of them lead Mumbai, Delhi, Kolkatta, Chennai and Pune respectively, while Virat, Sreesanth, Dravid, Chawla and Ishant represent Banglore, Kochi, Rajasthan, Punjab and Hyderabad respectively fighting to claim the world cup for some city or the other that has contributed great cricketers to the country in the build to this world cup win.

No matter how we Indians try to claim supremacy over the other states or regions, we all inherently know, in the hour of need, we are all one. Especially when we tend to take the game of cricket even more passionately than any other thing in the world, that now our players represent any state in the IPL and not necessarily their own! Our divide is just in the talks, not in the hearts and that’s where cricket connects our country better than anything else, be it the world cup or the IPL!

Today’s Favorite Line – The minute you settle for less than you deserve, is the minute you get less than you settled for.

Today’s Favorite Song – Its You (Ryan Cabrera)

The difficulty in being GOD

We humans always tend to ask GOD, why is he so unfair to us all the time, why hasn’t he given us all the things that we wished to have and prayed to him for, and so on, the list goes on. There are some of us who are already grateful to him for what we have and like to thank him for having given us far more than what we deserve.

But have we ever wondered how difficult a job it is to be sitting in the hot seat of ‘The GOD’? He has so many choices for every decision he takes. So many suggestions, requests and recommendations keep pouring in into his office day and night from different corners of the world and he still has to make a decision without being logically wrong, without having to lose his fanfare and more importantly, still providing a point of view that convinces us that his decision was right and the best that could have been pronounced in the given context.

The God has millions of people communicating (praying) with him every moment from different parts of the world asking more or less for the same things and this poor fellow god has to use some random matrix to figure out who out of the current devotee’s should get a wish fulfilled now. For instance at any average moment most of the people who are praying are asking the god for one of these things more often than not.

Happiness (for themselves and their near and dear ones)

Money (or other material things that could be pursued using that money)

Good Health (their own or of some one who isn’t doing well)

Success (last but not the least, be it in terms of business, exams or any other field)

Now the trouble that god is put into in such a situation is by the fact that the population of the world has quadrupled and he has a limited supply of all these things with him at any given point in time. Therefore he uses some complex matrix to figure out how to deal with the current set of prayers and starts by looking at certain basic factors and parameters to take care of the difficult situation.

• He compares and contrasts the level of devotion each of his followers has and based on that he decides who among them would get the desired.
• The next factor that he considers is, who among them has higher patience levels, and so he fulfills the wish of the one whose patience levels are low as he knows the other guys can still persevere.
• He then also considers other factors like, when was the last time he fulfilled a wish of the people in question and so he checks the record books to compare and contrast the details of the wishes fulfilled of the people in consideration.
• Then he looks at the quantum & the kind of wish this time and how eligible is the person to get the desired this time around.
• And then he actually has to refer to his world planner and zoom it to that particular persons position on something like a Google map with a human view, to see, what is that he had actually planned for the person. And then he has to decide whether he would like to change the plan to suit the current prayer of the person or would he still like to continue with the original plan that he had charted out for the person, also depending on other prayers that have connection with the person’s prayer.

This is just a sneak peek into the kind of trouble we humans put god into through our daily prayers and wishes. This is just a partial list of things he has to go through to consider each of our prayers, after also carefully considering the quantum of offerings (bribe in form of nariyals, prasad and cash) we provide every time we pray. That’s why I guess there is a saying in hindi that goes on as “tum ek paisa doge, who das lakh dega” (if you give 1 paise, he will give you ten lakhs) and so we humans pursue the so called donation ritual with or without genuine interest, as this one statement really drives us hard into committing this holy offense (bribery). But what else is the choice that the poor god has, he needs some metric to measure your devotion and reliance on him and this bribery is just one of the small insignificant ways of measuring the same amidst the gigantic difficulties we have put him into, to decide and dictate the course through which every individual has to go through.

If by now, you have understood to an extent, how all your prayers are summing up as a massive problem for god, leading to him, not being able to focus on basic day to day activities and the well being of all the living beings. And how, he instead has to spend so much additional time on attending to all your prayers. And planning to change the course of action if need be depending on the real time data available to him through such prayers and offerings.

Kindly be kind to him and limit your prayers only to very essential things so that you help reducing the ever building pressure on him to perform and you rather let him continue his usual activities for the general welfare of the average living being. So instead of being self centered always and spending all time praying for yourself, seeking all of gods attention, think of rest of the world too, you meany!

P.S – This obviously is in continuation to the periodic god bashing I have been indulging in, looking at things in a rather naïve way and putting them across with certain subtleties which should be taken light heartedly rather than thinking of them as offensive statements or remarks. Most of the things stated above are facts of life, looked at from a different angle all together. Hope, you chuckled at least ones, even if you are furious at me at the end of it!

Today’s Favorite Line – You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need. - Rolling Stones

Today’s Favorite Song – Koi Kahe, Kehta Rahe (Dil Chahta Hai)

That Awkward Moment

It was a usual tuesday evening, busy roads, annoying honkers, humid outdoors and a city that was as boring as it could get. Ever. He had just reached his training center, on time as always; he trained aspirants to prepare for aptitude tests as a freelance trainer. He had been doing that for close to a year, he was neither a master at what he was doing, nor did he ever plan to/ think of doing it. Still he was doing just fine, not too good but not too bad also. How could he have known that this was not going to be a usual evening?

As he entered the centre and looked around the place he saw a few newly enrolled students sitting in the waiting area. One of them in the group of 3-4 girls sitting in the waiting area seemed like a familiar face, but not sure of when, where and who, He chose to think about it before trying to approach her to clarify or find out if she recognized him. It had been a while and he still wasn't sure, so he entered the class and decided to get to business instead of breaking his head over who the person was and why did she look so familiar while he wasn't able to recollect how he knew her and what her name was. He was very sure he had seen her many many times but not recently, which should have been months or years ago. But when? Where? He wasn't sure, so he started the proceedings of the class. The girl entered the class too, much to his irritation, as her presence would only lead to, him not being able to concentrate on the class. But he dint have a choice, he had to try and control his wandering brain, which finally gave him a fantabulous idea.

He thought 'how about taking an intro of the whole batch?’ that would automatically get him some details about the girl and would probably get him an answer to the nagging questions running in his mind. So he created an excuse to make all of them introduce themselves, though he was interested only in that one girls intro, not that she was pretty, he dint even want to talk to her or something, the only reason he wished to know about her was to be able to get those annoying questions out of his head. He listened to all of their intro's and tried to act as if he really paid attention, but as much as he would have wanted to have that girls intro first he ended up giving her a turn in the end, the wait was making him impatient, and as the wait came to an end and as she uttered her name, every single question he had in his mind was answered, she kept talking about certain other things but he wasn't paying attention, he already had the complete history of the girl's association with him in front of him, his memory slot finally started working, as if the moment a file name is searched, the computer opens all the folders that contain that name, his brain opened all folders that contained her name and he immediately chuckled in amazement and let the remaining class just be while he started talking to the girl to find out if at least she had recognized him, which she obviously did not and so he quickly uttered a few sentences and names to build the connect and there it was 'The Awkward Moment'

The girl was none other than a batch mate of his, with whom he had prepared for the same aptitude test he was now training aspirants on, for the last one year. They were members of a gang of 6 people who used to prepare for the test together for hours, days and months together 6 years ago, helping each other on each others weaknesses to do well in the most coveted management aptitude test. This girl used to help him to understand a lot of things he dint know about along with the others and today he was standing on the other side of the room teaching the same friend some of the things that he in fact learnt from her. Could there be a situation more awkward in life? He had never felt so nervous while taking a class, not even in his first class, but this was different, he kind of stammered, confidence went down to an all time low, the face expression which should have ideally been ecstatic for having found a friend after half a decade became weird. This friend knew how pathetic his knowledge on the subject he was going to teach was!  He wasn't sure what she was thinking or how she would react but his blood stopped flowing, That 'awkward' moment.

Today’s Favorite Line – ‘Once bitten twice shy’ is a lot better than ‘once shy bitten twice’

Today’s Favorite Song – Tune mere jana

With 'Like' to my Dear Friend Facebook

Dear Facebook,

I am feeling a little weird while writing this letter to you, as I could have simply posted on your wall but I rather chose this way to express my gratitude to you for being such a nice friend to me. It’s been quite some time now since we've become friends studying in the same school ''The school for bored & nothing to doers'', you've been the dearest amongst all my friends so far. I've always fell back on you when ever I’ve felt lonely and bored, you've given me your shoulder to rest on and your wall to post on, when ever I needed either of them. In fact since I've met you I don’t think I've spent as much time with all my other friends put together in comparison to the amount of time I've spent with you.

The time spent with you is not dull or boring even for a moment as you provide innumerable ways for me to entertain myself when with you. I hardly used to have a few friends before I met you, but now my friends list keeps growing everyday, I am glad I have more than 300 friends (thanks to you) now and I can get in touch with them as and when I like to, I can also 'like' or comment on what they have to say or do. It’s nice that I get to spend most of my time with my friends while you are around; you always stay back for me. There's something I need to tell you, I think for what I am today in terms of my social life, all the credit goes to you and your networking skills. None of my other friends have had more than 500 friends at any point in their life but you seem to be universes apart from them as you boost the friendship of 500 million people across the globe, also giving me an opportunity to make as many friends as I like to through you.

Your friendship has had such an effect on my life that I even end up spending more time with you than my girlfriend and even most of the time spent with her is when you are around rather than time alone with her. While you are around I can give her all the fake smiley’s which I ideally wouldn't be able to give her while we are together physically or talking on phone, you've made life so better for me my friend. Now I don't even have to buy her expensive stuff every now and then, I can just do that with you through some applications. And you know what, last night I threw a bottle of champagne on her that made her happy and I also got her, her birthday cake with you and we celebrated it with you cos we were miles away and you my friend made this celebration possible that too with me having to spend nothing, absolutely nothing and for a change she did not crib about it. Now my girl friend doesn't get pissed off even if I don't spend too much time being physically present with her, nor does she mind if I am with my other friends, as I am always in touch with her through your mobile version. We are with one another every moment even as I get to enjoy my freedom like before.

One other thing that makes you an out of the league friend is the fact that you are the richest friend I have and I don't believe I will ever be able to make a richer friend than you. And so I request you to be my friend forever and please don't change ever for the worse like our ex classmate Orkut did just after you joined our school and we became friends. Poor fellow couldn't take the pain of seeing all his friends moving away towards you and got an F in the semester exams leading to his restigation from the school due to relative marking system adopted by the school from that year. He used to be a dear friend once up on a time but as time passed he couldn't keep up with us. All the rest of us grew up in age and maturity while he remained as he was, leading to his name being dropped from the school due to lack of performance and a laid back attitude. It’s nice to see that you are not like him, you give your best in everything you do and are always proactive (suggesting friends, adding features and applications) to stay at the top of things.

I overheard someone last week saying that you are worth $50 Billion today; I haven't had rich friends before so I am not sure how to keep you happy but I try my best to remain in your best books, so, I 'like' everything that you post/like, I share everything that you share and I add all the applications that you add, if that counts (all these things I also do to a lot of other friends, to seek attention, if you know what I mean).

Anyways I just had a few requests (points) to make before I close this letter to you, hope you would consider them in your free time.

1. Why don’t you add a ‘dislike’ option for comments and posts? There are a lot of people who do and say dim-witted stuff and they need to know how the rest of us feel!!
2. Isn’t it stupid when someone likes their own status or comment themselves? Why don’t you disable that kind of an option? It will help save a lot of irritation.
3. Like I said I over heard someone saying you are worth $50 billion and I also know that you don’t have a family per say and we your friends are your only family, as we’ve always been there with you and for you. So when and how do you plan to share your fortunes with us? I don’t think we are being greedy, are we? Aren’t we a crucial reason behind your success and popularity? I just happened to calculate and each of us are worth $100 a piece at this moment, my heartfelt thanks in advance, in case you are planning to write us a check some time.
4. Though you are so rich why do you always dress up in just a blue t-shirt(top) and white pyjamas(bottom)? Are you trying to be a simple person like Warren Buffet or something? Why don’t you get yourself something nice to wear? I know you won’t take anything as a gift from us in real.L (not even a template? :D)
5. Last but not the least, why did you choose to share the information of your friends (us) with third parties? Aren’t you supposed to safe guard our privacy and interests? What if your third world (party) friends misuse our private information? We are not happy with this decision of yours my friend, please reconsider the same, we are not interested in your third world friends, it would be a great feat for us even if we can manage a small fraction of your first world friends.

Hope you agree with me on some of the points above, anyways I just wanted to tell you how important a place you have gained in my life and how you are so different from all my other friends, hope you feel the same way about me too. Please write back soon to me and needless to say, don’t forget to post this letter on your wall and ‘Like’ it on mine.

Best Regards,

Loner

Today’s Favorite Line – Don't be content with Average because average is just as close to the bottom as it is to the top.

Today’s Favorite Song – More Than a Friend (Michael Learns to Rock)

Ancestral Bubble - Is Now World's Trouble.

The most awaited event of the year 2011 is obviously neither the next release of Rajnikant nor the IPL (not even the cricket world cup for that matter). The year 2011 will be remembered in the history of humanity for a similar but larger feat than the one in the year 1999. In 1999 the world supposedly witnessed the birth of the 6 billionth living human and in late 2011 we are going to witness the birth of the 7 billionth living human (in fact certain agencies are coming up with precise date and time and one lucky person would be given the honor of being the 7 billionth!!). The planet earth is having to bear the load of 7 billion creatures with 5 senses or more and all the nuisance they come up with day in and day out. We have environmental issues, climate change, inflation, poverty, unemployment, greed, ego, racism and a hundred other issues to be taken care of, and as the worlds population increases these problems are only going to increase manifold.

Could we have avoided this situation through some precautionary measures some time in the history of humanity? I guess the answer is yes, if our ancestors would have been rational and practical mainly. If we have such a huge population base today it’s our ancestors who are to be blamed. You must be wondering why am I so anti ancestral?

 Just try and understand the following argument to realize what led to what and why we are in such an awful situation today. Most of our forefathers and the generations that followed have had 5+ children (There are a lot of them I know of who can form a cricket team) and those children have had their own families and then their children their own families and so on. The family tree kept growing, so did the population, without realizing the fact that their actions will lead to serious issues for the generations to come and it would in fact become a threat to their own family members of the future generation.

Now lets just say that our fore fathers were rational and conservative and had control over their actions by limiting the number of children to 2 or 3, at least 40%(a random guesstimate) of the population that the world has been a host to whether living or dead today might have never been there leading to layers of generations later on. And the number 7 billion that we are talking about today would have been a distant dream. All the troubles that we have to go through today would either have been non existent or we would not have been a part of the human species to witness the same. 

Now that we are talking about restraint and family planning, if some of these things would have been put into the heads of our ancestors, may be the world would have been a far better place to live in today.

The question to which I don't seem to discover an answer while thinking about the whole population explosion thing is the rational or logic behind our ancestors wanting to have too many children, what joy did they get? Most of them were neither well off, nor had sufficient resources to take care of their children and their well being. Then why did they have to burden themselves with more people to take care of leading to more expenses and worries there of? As a result of actions of these ancestors that we are talking about a lot of their children remained uneducated, were subjected to child labor, made multiple sacrifices every now and then, always lived for a share in the pie and in some cases lacked proper care and upbringing leading to not so happy lives (this is strictly my assumption, though if this question is raised to any of the elder generations the answer would be totally opposite). 

Did our forefathers not see the population explosion coming up? Were they so well to do that they assumed their earnings would serve the generations to come? I think the answer to the second question is an affirmative No, while to the first one it might be a no or a may be as our forefathers themselves faced lack of resources, so from where did they get a ray of hope that the situation might improve? I guess if they had a chance to go back in time and rewrite their life's story, it would be a completely different tale and state of affairs all together. Anyways now that our futures are in jeopardize, at least may their souls rest in peace. And the ones who are still breathing – "You Two, Ours One"  is the way forward (as the Chennai auto’s convey) i guess.

P.S. – The trigger for this write up was this article on TOI a few days back. The family trees above were made by the author for the purpose of illustration. Only four generations have been shown in the illustration as the author feels a maximum of four generations may only see the light of the day in a century and its sufficient to consider a century in the context being discussed.

Today's Favorite Line - "Our chief want is someone who will inspire us to be what we know we could be." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Today's Favorite Song - What about now (West Life)

The Gods Must Be Crazy

If you were a conscious middle class consumer or if you have attended a marketing course, you would have realized that we in India have more car brands than say tooth paste brands, though the fact is that there are more people in the country who must be using a tooth paste than the number of people who buy/ travel in a car. Now if this fact has come to you as a surprise, then you'll be astonished to realize the fact that we in India have far more number of GOD brands than any other product or commodity brands and obviously so because the customer base is huge, in fact the largest in this category.

Just start counting the number of gods small or big you pray to, on an average on any given day. I won't be surprised even if you come up with a number that's greater than a dozen. The product god is the most carefully studied, researched and delivered product, or is it? The number of brands of this product must be running in hundreds and in fact certain brands have their own extensions and sub categories. Still there is hardly any cannibalization, actually there is no fear of cannibalization as multiple units/ brands can be used at any point in time, so margins might not really get affected much unless and until there is a huge let down by a brand. And in fact every now and then a lot of new brands are being launched in some part of the country or other. Some reach the masses quickly; others take a little time while certain others prefer to remain in their own territory. Starting a new brand is quite easy as no mega budget is required, just a 2 by 2 feet space and a trick or two would do to get started with. Expansions can be taken care of later as per market conditions and demand, and a large land shall be acquired to open a super center just like Wal-Mart does.

A lot of marketing and business gurus must have been boasting about their discovery of the concepts of segmentation and product family and so on, but they have failed to realize that the gods had (I know that the product god is a man made one, still I would like to stick to god being his own creator in this context) already very consciously done their human study and home work. They had already categorized each one amongst themselves as per their advanced market study, for instance they gave Goddess Lakshmi the money market, and Goddess Saraswati the education industry, lord ram the general welfare and so on. If someone really wants to understand and study supply chain management and channel management, they should take this product as a case study. In India there's no other product which enjoys such kind of a reach, they have multiple centers in every street, in fact they are connected from door to door in every home that too without using social media or a 3G network, not even a discount sale ever! Just some freebies on a regular basis do the trick. Their treasury is the wealthiest one in the world, be it recession or inflation they are always secure, they have hedged all their risk and have no down side loss, they have most prompt payment rate as well, their repayment rate is even higher than that of Grameen Bank.

They get paid in billions on a daily basis for the one and only service rendered by them - HOPE. Quite a price to pay for that four lettered service I guess. We are glad to see the product doing so well, as it can be used for various fund raising and research activities. In fact when the whole world is out of business and unemployed, that's when their demand is at its all time high and the bank balance of all these brands touch new highs. And yet god doesn't give a discount during inflationary periods even after earning extra ordinary returns during other times. I guess like all other products even god is always looking at maximizing their EBITDA and PAT.

Product design and Packaging are key elements of any product or brands success apart from its functionality and other attributes. The product ‘God’ has been designed and packed in a really innovative way across brands that each one stands out for its own specific design. For instance Lord Ganesha has been given a designer nose where as Lord Hanumans mouth does the trick for him. In fact most of these gods have various add ons or applications built in with them in terms of a creature or an instrument, like Lord Krishna has his Chakra that he can spin around as and when he likes, while Jesus has been given a designer cross to rest his back on in a stylish way, and certain goddesses have been given the liberty to use animals as their couch. Each of them have their own customized dress code and accessories specially designed using finest material available. I am just wondering, if they had annual awards ceremony, who would they honor in different categories and who would be in the jury?

The gods must have had a real eureka moment when they thought about entering the human market to provide their services, how would they have known this industry would flourish as much as it is doing in India today? They are a big failure in China, as 90% of the Chinese don't have a religion. The gods must have really gotten crazy while trying to create the blue ocean strategy for the world’s second most populous country and you bet, they have been doing a great job so far, it’s the wealthiest industry in the world today and hopefully will remain so for a long long time. Amen

P.S. - Obviously the title has been inspired by the movie. I do look at the concept of God more firmly as a product than anything else, so most of the things that have been said above are a result of the thought process thereof. Anyways disclaimers are inevitable as usual; this piece was written in a completely fun mood and was to just look at things on a lighter note rather than to make a statement or mockery of these highly followed brands. Hope you understood and enjoyed the attempt at subtle humor. Last but not the least, the names that have been taken were incidental and not deliberate to put some brands above or below some other brands,

Today's Favorite Line - "Better to do something imperfectly than to do nothing flawlessly." - Dr. Robert Schuller

Today's Favorite Song -   Aye Khuda (Paatshaala)

The MBA curse

How would it feel if an MBA which was supposed to make the career prospects of an individual better and boost his esteem becomes a curse for him while trying to move ahead in life post the MBA? It is the last thing one would expect out of an MBA. It’s about how the fact that the person being an MBA (or for that matter a post graduate) is used against him in various scenarios, haunting him every now and then. The MBA that was supposed to act like engine oil making the ride easy for a vehicle, at times seems to work like a nail hit punctured tyre making the ride a lot tougher due to the egoistic and other issues around (the ego & other issues acting as a nail).

The MBA in itself is not the curse, but the way a lot of people treat the ones with an MBA starts making the MBA look like the curse. The expectations and the treatment of an MBA vary widely from place to place and person to person depending on what each ones egoistic value is.

Some commonly known ways/situations in which an MBA pays a price for his keen desire to grow fast in life are listed below:- (The first statement in each set is the kind of crap we have to hear and the next one in italics is my response to it)

What? You wanna do business? Then why did you do an MBA? You are supposed to/ made to work, not own! You were trained to be a manager not a businessman/ entrepreneur.

(Now, what the heck!? MBA is just an additional qualification to learn a few things to understand how businesses run and the allied stuff, it certainly isn't insane for an MBA to dream running his own show. Why restrict his domain just to a JOB?)

What? You don't have a job? No one has taken you yet? What's the use of your MBA? 

(Excuse me, if you may please! MBA's don't fall under the NREGA scheme and yet again it’s an educational qualification not a 'make me your slave' certification.)

You can make 20-25K/month anyhow; you said you are an MBA right? Why bother?

(20-25K your ass!! Those 'I don't know anything, so I shall write codes' engineers make that much today, I deserve better don't you think? At least cos I've spent a fortune to get the additional education)

So, now that you've started working, I think you'll tell me what your package is? What? Its not even 25Lakhs?! Then what’s the use of having spent 2 years & close to a million for that god damn degree?

(First of all, for the love of god, try to understand that the article you read in the newspaper about some geek getting placed at an 8 digit package is only about THAT geek, and not about the entire MBA universe. Another point you must understand is the fact that, the geeks who are getting placed at an extravagant package like the one you expected me to, stop living the moment they get placed and start working, and they stop only after they've either been fired(by themselves or by the employer) or have committed suicide due to depression or fatigue. I haven’t planned for any of those so far.)  

 

MBA - Sir, why is my package less than half of the CA, sitting right next to my cubicle while we do the same work & have the same profile?  We also joined together, remember?

BOSS - You see, the CA brings a lot of value to the table, he is a CA & you are just an mba after all!!!

(Holy Crap!! For the last 6 months, I have been teaching him, how to use excel sheet, how to make a PPT and in fact at times how to operate on the computer. And guess what, all the reports that he has sent to you so far have major inputs from me! And he brings more value to the table? Which one? If I stop helping him from tomorrow you'll realize our values, you bitch.)

You MBA's are very bookish, come out of your case study mode buddy, look at the real picture. Stop acting like a student and understand the problem the right way.

(Weren’t you the one who asked a zillion definitions and formulae during my interview while the other panelists were talking about practical stuff?! You forgot how difficult you made my life for that half hour, you loser! And by the way, you were the one who asked me to stick to the basics and take learning’s out of what I learnt during my MBA in the last meeting! Didn’t know that was being bookish!! And just to remind you, you are yourself a visiting faculty at a bschool appreciating the case study mode of looking at the problem always & recommended us to be the change agents in this aspect.)

What do you think should be done about the inflation in terms of the key policy rates? What? You don’t know for sure? Aren’t you an MBA?

(First of all, I am no Montek Singh Ahuwalia or Pranab Mukherji, how am I expected to know better when there are experts in their teams who are hardly able to do anything about it. Secondly I am an MBA, which does not mean, I should be a master of everything, spare me! I told you what ever I knew.)

The MBA is being used as a double edged sword against people like me who want to make it big ( I am not too sure how to define big) in life, at least in terms of doing something phenomenal if not anything else at least. Our knowledge is used to show us, how we can be used as cheap labor and our ambitions are used to take advantage of our financial compulsions. Our qualification is at times used as a tool to decide our fate and more so against our capabilities and intelligence. Every time we try to make a point or a contribution in our own way, we are being shot down by our artillery (The MBA) as a weapon against us, by either putting us too above in the league or throwing us deep down in the ocean to make us feel beaten. Can the world stop trying to beat us and instead understand our capabilities and ambitions instead of creating a counter productive environment like a capitalist state? I agree there are a lot of instances of a lot of MBA are doing better than they deserve, but does that mean that the complete herd is always better off? Lastly, my understanding says, most of us do an MBA for it to work as an insurance policy which could pay off like a long term investment does while it could secure us our careers and job prospects to an extent, so kindly stop cursing us using our own only real asset.

Today’s Favorite Line – "Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact." - William James

Today’s Favorite Song – Flying without wings (West Life)