Sitting at one corner of my living room, reflecting up on the different facets of my life today and comparing them with the same facets in the last 2 years, I see a sea change in my life. This is a really crucial juncture of my life, where I have taken certain decisions based on what ever options I had in mind few months back. And at that point in time I thought this is the best decision I could have taken as per the situation and control I had on my own life. But after having lived a completely new life in the last 3 months I am yet to completely settle down with the new kind of life I am living and I have a lot of new things to do and face in the near future for which I have been waiting now for almost 10 weeks but things seem to get delayed due to some reason or the other and the more the delay, more am I feeling insecure about my near future and the more are my concerns and fears about the direction of my life.
In the last 2 years I used to be the guy next door, someone who would be as busy as one could get, as lively as one could be, to put it in short, Full of Life!! I was a guy with great ambitions, lot of self belief and someone who walked with command. I was THE person where ever I was. I could say I lived a high profile life. The only thing I lacked was certainty about the future of my life which I believe no one has, but I had my own thoughts and plans and I acted as per the same and did certain things so that I could have if not the same at least a life in which I would be as active and happy as in the last 2 years.
Today I work in a company where I am in the team which anyone would love to be, at times it is the most happening team of the organization in terms of the kind of work going on and the kind of people with whom one gets a chance to work. I with all conscious and willingness took up this job to work in this company with this team and was given a great opportunity the moment I approached them, which was itself a blessing in disguise, at a moment while I was wondering about the future of my life. I took the opportunity with both my hands, though I had and have my own concerns.
After having worked with this company for 3 months now, I haven’t actually done much, neither have I learnt much. Someone told me “the first 3 months of your job are like honeymoon, enjoy it while u can” As 3 months of my job get over I hope the honeymoon period is also on the verge of getting over (I at least hope so). Looking at the way things have been happening in the last couple of months am not really sure if I am moving as per my plans and in the right direction, the long term plans that I had seem to be getting hit because of the way my life is heading now and that’s actually making me feel worse. To be blunt I haven’t yet been able to face this major change in my life and am finding it really difficult in terms to face the reality. I wish to go back in time at times!!! I cant undo the things that I have done but I feel like getting certain things right in my life now if I can which is highly unlikely but am not really sure if what am doing is right or what I wanna make right is right. This is a very tasking thought and I seem to be occupied with it during a major part of the day.
I at times feel I don’t belong here, I never belonged here. I guess these thoughts arise just because of the complete change in the way my days pass. The guy, who used to be buzzing with activities and meetings all the day, does things these days just for the sake of it. But I guess that’s the way life is, you don’t get to do the things you like to do always and more importantly the way you like to do it. I am trying hard to face this change and come to terms with it. The most daunting thing in this total change is the need for change in the mindset. The whole battle with the change and me has more to do with my mind and nothing else. It’s been really difficult to have my mind in my own control. It’s just thinking and considering a lot of things but nothing seems to be clear at the end of the day. Here am still at the same corner of the living room and have successfully passed one hour during a boring Sunday at home. Thinking how to make good of the rest of this one day off at home, because it’s gonna be again the same old story again tomorrow.
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